Reflections on Parenting

by Teri Spray

"My child seems to have no clue about social cues, or even what he is projecting about himself. I am worried about his self-esteem."

One day our daughter, Meredith, decided to hang mirrors in her baby's room at a low height where the baby could watch herself play. It was amazing to see how the infant suddenly gained a sense of herself. Within a matter of days, the baby changed as she studied herself in the mirror. Not only did she begin to take an interest in wearing hats, she also began to express herself in very vivid ways. We quickly learned her happy face, her puzzled face, her frustrated expression and her angry look. Life became much easier for all of us as the baby began to "telegraph" her emotions through her expressions.

We were also pleasantly surprised to see others begin to respond to this "suddenly social" baby. Jennifer seemed to be able to elicit positive responses from most people she met. She seemed to instinctively know how to get a warm reaction. Jennifer still enjoys seeing her reflection. She will often dance and pose in front of the mirror and explore a variety of movements. She enjoys experimenting with various expressions and continues to communicate in more ways every day. As an only child, the mirror has helped her to understand herself as a "little person."

When I observe children who struggle with social graces and skills, I have often wondered if large accessible mirrors would be of help in the home school room. Speech therapists use mirrors to help children perceive articulation in action. Dance teachers use full length wall mirrors to teach movement and synchronization in the studio. If your child is having difficulty with social cues, articulation or auditory perception, I recommend that you add a large mirror to your academic environment.

I know that there are many children who seem transfixed with their reflections in the mirror especially in the early teen years. To these children, I say, "Go ahead, study your reflection until you feel comfortable with what God has created. Don't just look and fuss and fume, look and see that you are fearfully and wonderfully made! Learn which is your best side, your most natural smile, your hair's natural wave. This information is actually useful later in life!" As parents, I still believe we belong beside or behind our children, helping them to identify their strengths as they scrutinize their reflections.

As children grow, we become their mirrors. Our parent's mirror can be one of the more stabilizing forces in the life of a youth. My mother was a master at holding up reflections to me during my tumultuous teen years. She would often find an article or a piece of information and then bring it to me with encouragement. "I thought you might be interested in this because...." "Here is something I think you would be good at..." "Since you have a talent in this area, I thought you might like to try...." When I was filled with self-doubts, my mother provided insightful, assuring reflections of my unseen potential.

What reflections are you giving your children today? Do they see themselves as someone worthy of focused attention or do they see themselves as a distraction? Do they see reflections of unconditional love or a fix-it shop? When your children stretch in front of your mirror, do they see signs of growth (slow as it may be) or instead are they left with an impression that they don' quite measure up?

A friend recently explained to me that the most significant factors which shape our childhood are not the actual events which occurred but the perceptions which we carried with us into adulthood. Children with poverty level income can emerge feeling blessed while others with much more, may struggle with memories of scarcity and lack. If children can perceive themselves as reflections of God's wonderful unconditional pleasure, they can feel that they are a reflection of Jesus Christ, then all of the self-esteem issues become irrelevant. When we as parents provide valid reflections of their gifts, talents and potential, they can emerge from our homes with clear perspectives of who they are in Christ and what they have to offer the world.